When I close my eyes and allow myself to listen to my heart and not my mind, I find I am much closer to where and who I want to be. My mind is a powerful muscle. It has forged me along incredible paths, kept me active, wise beyond my years, and mostly out of trouble. Along the way, if I am open and honest with myself, I can remember where I started, and see my growth pattern. There have been many times over my life I haven’t seen as much as I would have liked, but there has been a steady incline, and that makes me happy.
I think the hard times can make you question yourself, take steps backward, feel vulnerable, weak, and not sure which way to turn. About six years ago, that’s exactly how I was feeling. I lost my job of twenty years, was diagnosed with kidney disease, an unknown liver issue. I also decided after thirty years I could no longer live with the man I pledged my life to. The relationship with my children was rocky, in part due to their ages, the selling of our family home, and my inability to manage my emotions. I had a tendency to overshare and truly felt I was at the lowest point in my life. I felt completely alone.
I do believe however, we all have something deep within us that with time and nurturing can give us what we need to persevere. All we have to do is believe in ourselves and trust in the journey, personal growth will be the byproduct. It also helps to have good friends by your side. I feel blessed to have those friends and a fantastic family. For me, I needed some introspection of my life, what I had accomplished, and what I still needed to. Health was and is primary for me. I couldn’t believe I had anything wrong with me, so I told myself and my doctors I would heal myself, and that’s precisely what I did. (I will write about my kidney disease in a later post) I saw a therapist and worked through some issues and was given tools to use going forward. I worked on letting go of my feelings of being a failure as a wife and holding onto a marriage that had been bad for years. I started working on me, I learned to be comfortable with myself and in complete silence. I found the longer I lived by myself, the more comfortable I became just being me. I stretched myself to learn things that scared me in the past. I shared with my children by showing them my strength and determination. I now remind them of the mom they knew I was.
It has been a long road, and there are days that I feel like I have taken a few steps back. I allow myself to have a meltdown every once in a while, I just don’t unpack and live there. The key for me is to acknowledge my achievements, then honor myself for recognizing them. I have grown, I can feel it, and so have the people closest to me. It is a great feeling and one I am proud of. The affirmation below is one of my favorites and brings clarity to me. I hope it can do the same for you.
I am an amazing human being, living an incredibly blessed life.
I am worthy of all things wonderful.
I grow and learn each day. I let go of regrets from the past
as they hold me there and prevent me from experiencing the now.
I may have experienced true heartache in my lifetime, but through that time,
I have discovered deep compassion.
I do not feel the need to compete against anyone or be better than anybody else.
I aspire only to be a better person than I was yesterday.
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